Names

NAMES!

The little girl whispered to me, “Diamonds…” and I gave her hand a squeeze. Smiling, we ran together across the wooden bridge to the imposing mausoleum on the other side.

Mr. Prosser roamed the streets of Baltimore with a whip and a book of poetry.

Rubbing Balogne

Nick Dettmer vs. the Chicago Bulls

Greg was toying around with volume swells on his Mark Tremonti signature guitar when he stumbled upon a love note from Claire Sieren to DeBruycker.

Mr. McGranahan played the devil’s advocate and rode the escalator to Matt Debryucker’s house

The musk-ox gangsters roamed free on the plains, and they respected none.

Joey Gladstone arrived at the Festival, and everything became silent. His pace quickened (why are you here, harlot?), and his eyes rested on the red brick building to his left. Spot barked, and he killed it. When he looked up from skinning the dog, the moon had risen, and thetroops were marching in the streets.

Lured by Scott Stapp’s evangelical voice in Creed’s Arms Wide Open, Michael Christ decided to attend Sunday School, where he discovered that he was in fact a direct decendant of Jesus Christ. The Jews in the Western Loudoun area were promptly notified, and poor little Michael was crucified by 7:00.

Someone left their baby on the bus and didn’t come back. It turns out that baby crawled up onto an unsuspecting citizen, sleeping with their mouth open…

Tales of Ancient Mammals

Gradually, during his three week stay at the YMCA, Jerry grew quite fond of the counselor’s wake up calls: firm ass slaps.

Matt Debrxeqer’s Face

“I LOVE you!! Fuck off!!” yelled Tony to Jessica. “Gator golf!! WHORE CUNT!!” the deadly mix of malt liquer and Torrets syndrome weighed down the criminal as he scaled a fence into his neighbor’s yard; they were enjoying a quick basting in vegetable oil, before slipping down theslip-and-slide.

Meet my baby she’s anxious

Rubbing the kinks out of your Pants

It was colder than he ever remembered for a homecoming. Todd messed with the defroster as the town came into view over the crest of the hill, decorated with banners, posters, and the likes. He pulled up at the first of many unnecessary stoplights as his mind fell deep into apprehension of who’d he see on that frozen day. His thoughts could only wander so long because of some jackass honking wildly behind him. It was only after these sounds broke the ice of Todd’s zoning out that the entire town lining the streets materialized as he turned around fearing the worst. Instead of an obsessed parent seeking her beloved daughter playing the flute marching, as Todd had supposed, a gigantic battleship with wheels screaming ‘06 was bearing down on him. A spectator questioned, forthe first time, the local high school and its decision to make a weathered 1992 blue Volvo lead the annual parade. Todd floored it. In a flurry of angry local police, distinguished members of the PTA, a balding principal, candy-hungry children, and a laughing janitor, theVolvo roared, peeled out, and shot through the next three stoplights out of that fish bowl. “Maybe in twenty years,” Todd thought.

The Ape Song

Jebediah felt a cold chill when he peeked under the robes of his nine-year old cousin and saw the hard, wrinkly skin of disease.

Skanky has humongous genitalia

Tommy the tricycle mechanic

Hunter clenched his fists, flexed his bisceps, and climbed out of the womb, into a world of hatred.

There was a creak of church floorboards, and everyone craned their necks to see Buddha ride a tidal wave through the stained glass calling out Jesus in tongues for a showdown that would rock the world, like a baby, a baby that had no name but still paid social security.

Florida was the site of the tortoise race. Steve mounted his tortoise, grabbed the reins, and took off. Sam promptly detonated some plastic explosives on its back, and the race was won.

The cold settled in for the long stay and the Chinese bundled up.

That’s my pubic hair Mr. Constantinopal

Finishing a hard day’s work of rural labor early, I stepped into the barn, golden candles spread around. That night I took the virginity of the metropolitan goddess, my wife sleeping heavily in our bedroom. Months later, as I traveled into the city to buy some vegetables at the market, I saw her huddled amongst the others, begging for money. Dropping the used Trojan into her cap, I walked away without meeting her eyes, my unborn progeny graced by divinity.

Hopscotch is a game for Kings in Boron’s mind… that’s what makes him a homosexual… and a cheap one at that. But I can’t stop admiring his facial beauty and elegance.

Daniel was a fan of the fine arts but was banned when he received a urinary tract infection. He wet his bed later that night and loved every minute.

The storm shook the five o’clock passengers, expressing their days to Tokyo for an afternoon of Aikido and jet-black hair transplants.

Daniel struggled through the rigors of a three-year religious revival that his parents forced him to go to only to find the shocking truth at the end of his journey: God was a stark image in each camper’s mind, and in his own, he realized, he saw only the vacant stare of his twin, Mist Leopard.

Fiber-optic genocide

Singleterry had his eyes sewed shut and the next day God appeared for a special treat for the village people, the doctors took outthe strings but the weasel snuck out with the eyes…ha, he thought they were testicles.

The private eye wandered the mean streets of the city and walked by a ragged derelict waking up with a ten-granola-bar hangover and a Sunbelt box lying on its side beside him.

Pooping Humphrey got a winger from staring at Becky

Darius the Genome and his “Yes” Train

The body odor was overpowering as Bob hauled the dead horse off the railroad tracks. “What?” he asked to no one.

The nervy businessman walked into the traps set by the White Rabbit on his way to Bombay to sell software. That’s why I only do business in Calcutta.

Chalk outline hopscotch

Brinkley traveled to the village of Jericho, the only man in the world who knew what dreams meant. When he arrived at thegates of Jericho’s manor, the princess turned him back, and he boarded a ship to return to his homeland.

And other reasons Carl disappeared